Patti, Honey Gail, Donna, Carmen and KarenIt was a typical after-dinner holiday scene in the early 1990's ...
Wall-to-wall people filled the Blankenship house. Children were everywhere. Nice ones playing quietly at our feet ... Naughty ones hurrying through, looking smug about rules they'd just broken or rules they were plotting to break ... Men, drinking beer, watching football and occasionally roaring with laughter about something children shouldn't know and women didn't want to hear ... Women, sitting around the kitchen table, idly talking about children who, with some effort, could be reformed ... and men who, with all the effort in the world, could not.
Saran-wrap made ripping noises. Refrigerator door clicked and banged. Honey was dealing with leftovers. Patti, Carmen, Karen, Donna and I assisted from the comfort of our chairs ... Freeze this. Throw that out. Send those home with her. I'll take the cheesecake off your hands.
Our group was peaceful until Donna announced she needed to clean kitchen cabinets at her house. Patti pounced on that innocent remark and began to weave it into my grown-up children's favorite game of "Get Mama!"
"Donna. Donna. Donna ..." Patti shook her head sadly. "You've been part of this family for a long time now. I can't believe you're still scrubbing your own kitchen! Listen. We're gonna tell you how to have the cleanest kitchen in Little Rock without breaking a sweat."
Honey Gail - leftovers forgotten - squeezed back in between Carmen and Karen. Those three were mentally rolling up their sleeves, preparing to aid and abet any and all lies Patti chose to tell.
There was almost a classroom atmosphere as Patti continued, "First thing you do, Donna, is invite Mama to your house. (they speak as if I'm not sitting there) Lead her to the kitchen, settle down at the table as if you're getting ready for a cozy chat, and serve her a coke."
"Coke is important here." said Carmen.
"You gotta have coke." Karen agreed.
"Since your goal is to get her deep into conversation as fast as possible, your best bet is to ask about her children." (Patti really should have been a schoolteacher)
"Words will start gushing," said Carmen.
"Like an artesian well!" added Honey.
"Soon as you get her going good," schoolteacher's voice moved forward, "about what Tony did and Patti said and how Carmen danced and Karen played and Honey sang and they all looked so cute, get up and move toward the kitchen sink. Tell Mama, over your shoulder, to keep talking ... you just want to do a few things while the two of you visit."
"Open a cabinet door, remove salt, pepper, Pam, Aunt Jemima pancake mix, sticky maple syrup bottle, corn chips ... pile everything, willy-nilly, on the counter top. Make a big mess. Run water into the sink, squeeze a sponge and make one swipe at the inside of that empty cabinet. Two swipes at most. That's as far as your work is gonna go. Mama will be on her feet, nudging you aside, taking the sponge from your hand because, Donna, no offense, but she won't like the way you clean. Patti pauses for a swallow of coke, "She doesn't like the way we clean either."
"Mama wouldn't like Martha Stewart's cleaning!" Karen was really getting into this story.
"Okay," Patti continued, "You're unofficially off-duty now, Donna. Avoid any sudden moves as you inch back to the table. You want Mama to remain unaware that she has just taken over your kitchen. As long as you keep her lost in her memories of the olden days, she'll clean everything in sight with absolutely no conscious thought."
"A super-deluxe high-tech robot," said Carmen.
"Better than a robot, Donna. Sit down and get comfortable. All you gotta do from this point on is keep the woman talking." Patti said, "If the artesian well shows signs of slowing to a trickle, request more stories about her children."
"Wait, Patti," Honey spoke, "Instead of children in general, wouldn't it be more effective to keep her focused on Tony? We all know he's her favorite."
"Good thinking!" Carmen agreed, "Donna, if you sincerely ask to hear every detail of Tony's childhood, you could get cabinets washed plus your oven cleaned and the floor waxed too."
"Carmen, let me tell you something, Darling," Patti tipped her glass for another swig of coke and I noticed it wasn't actually coke, "Sincerity isn't necessary here. Mama would talk the ears off a used car salesman if he asked about Tony."
After conducting a visual inspection, I realized that only Donna and I had genuine Coca-Cola in our glasses, which explained why only Donna and I were behaving with dignity.
"So ..." Karen said, "Let's give Donna a list of four topics ... each topic guaranteed to get fifteen minutes talk - and hard work - out of Mama."
"Okay," Carmen went first, "Tony could read the Encyclopedia Britannica by age three.
"Carmen!" Honey jumped in, "The Encyclopedia Britannica? Are you sure?"
"Well," Carmen said, "Only through the B's, Mama said, but still ..."
"Cub Scouting." Karen announced "There's a good topic. Mama will spend twenty minutes telling how hard Tony worked to win International Cub Scout of the Year in Heidelberg, Germany, and that's if you act bored. If you ask questions she'll make a half-hour tribute out of it."
"Two more ideas and we've got Donna's kitchen covered." (Has Patti always been such a take-charge kind of person?)
"Languages," Honey said, "Let the record show that Tony spoke four languages while still in elementary school. French in first grade ... Spanish in second, third and fourth ... German in the fifth. And, of course, English. Tony was born speaking fluent English."
"Math Skills," Karen had saved the best for last, "Tony knew pre-calculus integration."
"He knew WHAT?" Patti didn't believe this, "How do you know he knew something like that and what did he use it for anyway?"
"It was needed to figure the volume of water in swimming pools. A rectangle pool was easy to figure. Anybody could do that. But an oval pool required pre-calculus integration. Tony explained it to me."
"Karen," Patti took a bigger gulp of coke that wasn't coke, "All swimming pools come equipped with water. More water on the deep end. Less water on the shallow end. That's all anybody needs to know on that subject."
Honey Gail left the table to resume scraping bowls and loading the dishwasher. As her eyes fell on a broiler pan encrusted with dried turkey dressing, she turned to me with a time-tested smile guaranteed to turn my bones to mush ... "Mama," she cooed, "You want to come tell me all about your first-born child?"
"No, Darling, I do not." Returning her sweet smile, I settled deeper into my chair.
Wall-to-wall people filled the Blankenship house. Children were everywhere. Nice ones playing quietly at our feet ... Naughty ones hurrying through, looking smug about rules they'd just broken or rules they were plotting to break ... Men, drinking beer, watching football and occasionally roaring with laughter about something children shouldn't know and women didn't want to hear ... Women, sitting around the kitchen table, idly talking about children who, with some effort, could be reformed ... and men who, with all the effort in the world, could not.
Saran-wrap made ripping noises. Refrigerator door clicked and banged. Honey was dealing with leftovers. Patti, Carmen, Karen, Donna and I assisted from the comfort of our chairs ... Freeze this. Throw that out. Send those home with her. I'll take the cheesecake off your hands.
Our group was peaceful until Donna announced she needed to clean kitchen cabinets at her house. Patti pounced on that innocent remark and began to weave it into my grown-up children's favorite game of "Get Mama!"
"Donna. Donna. Donna ..." Patti shook her head sadly. "You've been part of this family for a long time now. I can't believe you're still scrubbing your own kitchen! Listen. We're gonna tell you how to have the cleanest kitchen in Little Rock without breaking a sweat."
Honey Gail - leftovers forgotten - squeezed back in between Carmen and Karen. Those three were mentally rolling up their sleeves, preparing to aid and abet any and all lies Patti chose to tell.
There was almost a classroom atmosphere as Patti continued, "First thing you do, Donna, is invite Mama to your house. (they speak as if I'm not sitting there) Lead her to the kitchen, settle down at the table as if you're getting ready for a cozy chat, and serve her a coke."
"Coke is important here." said Carmen.
"You gotta have coke." Karen agreed.
"Since your goal is to get her deep into conversation as fast as possible, your best bet is to ask about her children." (Patti really should have been a schoolteacher)
"Words will start gushing," said Carmen.
"Like an artesian well!" added Honey.
"Soon as you get her going good," schoolteacher's voice moved forward, "about what Tony did and Patti said and how Carmen danced and Karen played and Honey sang and they all looked so cute, get up and move toward the kitchen sink. Tell Mama, over your shoulder, to keep talking ... you just want to do a few things while the two of you visit."
"Open a cabinet door, remove salt, pepper, Pam, Aunt Jemima pancake mix, sticky maple syrup bottle, corn chips ... pile everything, willy-nilly, on the counter top. Make a big mess. Run water into the sink, squeeze a sponge and make one swipe at the inside of that empty cabinet. Two swipes at most. That's as far as your work is gonna go. Mama will be on her feet, nudging you aside, taking the sponge from your hand because, Donna, no offense, but she won't like the way you clean. Patti pauses for a swallow of coke, "She doesn't like the way we clean either."
"Mama wouldn't like Martha Stewart's cleaning!" Karen was really getting into this story.
"Okay," Patti continued, "You're unofficially off-duty now, Donna. Avoid any sudden moves as you inch back to the table. You want Mama to remain unaware that she has just taken over your kitchen. As long as you keep her lost in her memories of the olden days, she'll clean everything in sight with absolutely no conscious thought."
"A super-deluxe high-tech robot," said Carmen.
"Better than a robot, Donna. Sit down and get comfortable. All you gotta do from this point on is keep the woman talking." Patti said, "If the artesian well shows signs of slowing to a trickle, request more stories about her children."
"Wait, Patti," Honey spoke, "Instead of children in general, wouldn't it be more effective to keep her focused on Tony? We all know he's her favorite."
"Good thinking!" Carmen agreed, "Donna, if you sincerely ask to hear every detail of Tony's childhood, you could get cabinets washed plus your oven cleaned and the floor waxed too."
"Carmen, let me tell you something, Darling," Patti tipped her glass for another swig of coke and I noticed it wasn't actually coke, "Sincerity isn't necessary here. Mama would talk the ears off a used car salesman if he asked about Tony."
After conducting a visual inspection, I realized that only Donna and I had genuine Coca-Cola in our glasses, which explained why only Donna and I were behaving with dignity.
"So ..." Karen said, "Let's give Donna a list of four topics ... each topic guaranteed to get fifteen minutes talk - and hard work - out of Mama."
"Okay," Carmen went first, "Tony could read the Encyclopedia Britannica by age three.
"Carmen!" Honey jumped in, "The Encyclopedia Britannica? Are you sure?"
"Well," Carmen said, "Only through the B's, Mama said, but still ..."
"Cub Scouting." Karen announced "There's a good topic. Mama will spend twenty minutes telling how hard Tony worked to win International Cub Scout of the Year in Heidelberg, Germany, and that's if you act bored. If you ask questions she'll make a half-hour tribute out of it."
"Two more ideas and we've got Donna's kitchen covered." (Has Patti always been such a take-charge kind of person?)
"Languages," Honey said, "Let the record show that Tony spoke four languages while still in elementary school. French in first grade ... Spanish in second, third and fourth ... German in the fifth. And, of course, English. Tony was born speaking fluent English."
"Math Skills," Karen had saved the best for last, "Tony knew pre-calculus integration."
"He knew WHAT?" Patti didn't believe this, "How do you know he knew something like that and what did he use it for anyway?"
"It was needed to figure the volume of water in swimming pools. A rectangle pool was easy to figure. Anybody could do that. But an oval pool required pre-calculus integration. Tony explained it to me."
"Karen," Patti took a bigger gulp of coke that wasn't coke, "All swimming pools come equipped with water. More water on the deep end. Less water on the shallow end. That's all anybody needs to know on that subject."
Honey Gail left the table to resume scraping bowls and loading the dishwasher. As her eyes fell on a broiler pan encrusted with dried turkey dressing, she turned to me with a time-tested smile guaranteed to turn my bones to mush ... "Mama," she cooed, "You want to come tell me all about your first-born child?"
"No, Darling, I do not." Returning her sweet smile, I settled deeper into my chair.
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